I'm having a hard time tonight. I have been surrounded by babies the past couple days, and it's really getting to me. I want another baby so badly, it just kills me that I can't. I had my tubes tied a couple years ago. It was that, or risk another bad pregnancy, which means risking a sick or dead baby or me. My kidneys barely survived the two I have!
I know I should just be grateful for the two I have, and I AM!!! I really, truly am grateful to have two such amazing, sweet, smart, funny, beautiful kids. But I have always wanted three. I still feel like there is one more boy waiting to be a Watson. I want Randy to be around for the entire babyhood of at least one kid!
I hate knowing that the reason I am not having another one is because of MY medical problems. I feel like a failure for not being able to have more.
I LOVE MY KIDS. I just wish I could have one more though! So I am crying a little tonight, mourning the one I lost (miscarriage almost 7 years ago) and the one I will never get to have now.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
FMS Part II
I don't want people feeling sorry for me. That is not my intent in blogging about this. Rather, I want people who may doubt the reality of fibromyalgia to get a glimpse of what it's like for those of us with it.
My symptoms started so long ago, it's been part of my life for at least half my life. I remember as a teenager, when it wasn't too bad yet, wondering why it was that doing a simple aerobics routine or swing dancing for more than a few minutes was so painful and difficult for me sometimes. I couldn't understand why I would wake up on some days ands just HURT and be too exhausted to do anything. I often attributed it to my diabetes, for lack of anything else, but it didn't make sense to even think it was that, because the PAIN didn't match diabetes issues.
The summer Julia was born was when it really hit hard. I had some very horrible days, and although I saw a doctor in my clinic, and one in the ER, and one in Instacare, nobody could tell me why I had this weird sheen in my vision, or why I was so dizzy, or why going up the stairs at the water park made me think I just might die from the burning in my legs. One doctor tried telling me it was from having a low blood sugar. I looked at him (this is totally true) and said, "I've been diabetic longer than you've been a doctor. I have been diabetic since you were in middle school. I THINK by now I would KNOW if it was low blood sugar." Needless to say, they wouldn't prescribe anything to help, for fear I was just out for drugs to feed an addiction.
It was so frustrating to go so long with no answers. I remember sitting in my doctor's office and telling him the sensation in my legs when I went up stairs was like... something was missing, some chemical or something, because they just didn't work right. I just didn't know how else to describe it! He was clueless.
I saw a doctor at the same clinic last February, I think it was. I took in a full list of my many, many ailments, and said, "I am not making this up." She ran a bunch of tests to rule out other things, like thyroid (I've had that done at least 15 times in the past 10 years), lupus, and hormonal imbalance issues. When those were ruled out, fibromyalgia was her diagnosis. She warned me it would be very hard to get care for it, especially to get insurance to pay for treatment. She told me there was not much that could be done from a medical standpoint, unless I wanted to get hooked on pain pills (which I most emphatically do NOT). She prescribed an antidepressant that helps the nerves calm down and not "feel" as much pain. It worked, to a degree. The normal days were better. (Normal means there is pain, but I am so used to it that I don't notice until someone touches me or tries to massage me. On normal days, I can play with my kids for more than 5 minutes without needing a nap.) I was able, at that time, to go to water aerobics (very gentle), and also got weekly massages from a woman who was specially trained in massage for FMS patients. For a few months, I felt so much better!
Now, I have no insurance and no time or money for the gym or massages. So I live with it. It is part of my life now, as much as Julia's issues are a part of my life. I don't like it, but I deal with it. After all, what other choice do I have?
My symptoms started so long ago, it's been part of my life for at least half my life. I remember as a teenager, when it wasn't too bad yet, wondering why it was that doing a simple aerobics routine or swing dancing for more than a few minutes was so painful and difficult for me sometimes. I couldn't understand why I would wake up on some days ands just HURT and be too exhausted to do anything. I often attributed it to my diabetes, for lack of anything else, but it didn't make sense to even think it was that, because the PAIN didn't match diabetes issues.
The summer Julia was born was when it really hit hard. I had some very horrible days, and although I saw a doctor in my clinic, and one in the ER, and one in Instacare, nobody could tell me why I had this weird sheen in my vision, or why I was so dizzy, or why going up the stairs at the water park made me think I just might die from the burning in my legs. One doctor tried telling me it was from having a low blood sugar. I looked at him (this is totally true) and said, "I've been diabetic longer than you've been a doctor. I have been diabetic since you were in middle school. I THINK by now I would KNOW if it was low blood sugar." Needless to say, they wouldn't prescribe anything to help, for fear I was just out for drugs to feed an addiction.
It was so frustrating to go so long with no answers. I remember sitting in my doctor's office and telling him the sensation in my legs when I went up stairs was like... something was missing, some chemical or something, because they just didn't work right. I just didn't know how else to describe it! He was clueless.
I saw a doctor at the same clinic last February, I think it was. I took in a full list of my many, many ailments, and said, "I am not making this up." She ran a bunch of tests to rule out other things, like thyroid (I've had that done at least 15 times in the past 10 years), lupus, and hormonal imbalance issues. When those were ruled out, fibromyalgia was her diagnosis. She warned me it would be very hard to get care for it, especially to get insurance to pay for treatment. She told me there was not much that could be done from a medical standpoint, unless I wanted to get hooked on pain pills (which I most emphatically do NOT). She prescribed an antidepressant that helps the nerves calm down and not "feel" as much pain. It worked, to a degree. The normal days were better. (Normal means there is pain, but I am so used to it that I don't notice until someone touches me or tries to massage me. On normal days, I can play with my kids for more than 5 minutes without needing a nap.) I was able, at that time, to go to water aerobics (very gentle), and also got weekly massages from a woman who was specially trained in massage for FMS patients. For a few months, I felt so much better!
Now, I have no insurance and no time or money for the gym or massages. So I live with it. It is part of my life now, as much as Julia's issues are a part of my life. I don't like it, but I deal with it. After all, what other choice do I have?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Fibromyalgia Syndrome
I wish people who doubt my fibromyalgia could spend one day in my body. I cannot describe well enough what it is like, but I'm going to try.
My muscles ache. Just touching parts of my back, arms, shoulders, and legs causes me pain. Walking up and down stairs burns my legs with an intensity you would not believe. People who attempt to massage my back often cannot tell the difference between my bones and my muscles, they are so tight. Some days, there is just no such thing as a comfortable position. I am not in massive pain every single day, but I am in pain somewhere all the time. On my really bad days, I lie around crying and taking massive heavy-duty anti-inflammatories. I can't convince my doctor that I need some pain relievers, at least for the worst days.
I am exhausted. It does not matter if I get 7 hours of sleep or 10. I don't sleep well through the night, even with the aid of sleeping pills. I can nap twice a day with no problem (although, I don't). A lot of the time, I feel much the way someone on drowsy antihistamines feels .
I get random headaches. They aren't as frequent as they used to be, but they are severe when they do come. It starts in my forehead and goes into my eyeballs, and then spreads along my jaw to the back of my neck. My neck will get so HEAVY, like I can't support my head any more. Then I see a sheen in front of everything, like when you first go outside on a super sunny day after being in the dark for a while. On the days this all happens, I get dizzy too, and can't stand for more than a minute or two.
I have IBS, which is often attributed to FMS. There are days when it feels like my stomach is collapsing in on itself, and it hits so fast and hard that I have to sit and crouch over in a whimpering ball.
I have depression, also often linked to FMS.
My periods involve some awesomely bad pain.
My fingers and wrists burn horribly right now... just from typing this.
I live with this everyday.
But there are those who say I am just lazy, or a hypochondriac. Even my own doctor doubts the reality of this disease. Yet again, I say, I wish the doubters could live one day in my body. Then perhaps they would understand why my house is usually a mess!!
My muscles ache. Just touching parts of my back, arms, shoulders, and legs causes me pain. Walking up and down stairs burns my legs with an intensity you would not believe. People who attempt to massage my back often cannot tell the difference between my bones and my muscles, they are so tight. Some days, there is just no such thing as a comfortable position. I am not in massive pain every single day, but I am in pain somewhere all the time. On my really bad days, I lie around crying and taking massive heavy-duty anti-inflammatories. I can't convince my doctor that I need some pain relievers, at least for the worst days.
I am exhausted. It does not matter if I get 7 hours of sleep or 10. I don't sleep well through the night, even with the aid of sleeping pills. I can nap twice a day with no problem (although, I don't). A lot of the time, I feel much the way someone on drowsy antihistamines feels .
I get random headaches. They aren't as frequent as they used to be, but they are severe when they do come. It starts in my forehead and goes into my eyeballs, and then spreads along my jaw to the back of my neck. My neck will get so HEAVY, like I can't support my head any more. Then I see a sheen in front of everything, like when you first go outside on a super sunny day after being in the dark for a while. On the days this all happens, I get dizzy too, and can't stand for more than a minute or two.
I have IBS, which is often attributed to FMS. There are days when it feels like my stomach is collapsing in on itself, and it hits so fast and hard that I have to sit and crouch over in a whimpering ball.
I have depression, also often linked to FMS.
My periods involve some awesomely bad pain.
My fingers and wrists burn horribly right now... just from typing this.
I live with this everyday.
But there are those who say I am just lazy, or a hypochondriac. Even my own doctor doubts the reality of this disease. Yet again, I say, I wish the doubters could live one day in my body. Then perhaps they would understand why my house is usually a mess!!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Been tagged
So, although no one will probably see it, here is my list, courtesy of Lisa!
10 things I save on, 10 things I splurge on:
SAVE
1. milk
2. gas
3. canned goods
4. meat
(all courtesy of Costco)
5. dates (matinee movie, here I come!)
6. books (membership at FYE/Borders)
7. clothes (I like second hand stores)
8. shoes (Payless clearance)
9. utilities (included in rent!)
10. basil! (LOVE it, so I grow my own!)
SPLURGE
1. eating out (if someone else is cooking, it might as well be good!!)
2. smoked salmon (just gotta have it sometimes!)
3. cook ware
4. small appliances
5. cooking utensils
6. beverages
7. specialty spices
8. PCMC fundraisers
9. Halloween
10. CHRISTMAS!!
10 things I save on, 10 things I splurge on:
SAVE
1. milk
2. gas
3. canned goods
4. meat
(all courtesy of Costco)
5. dates (matinee movie, here I come!)
6. books (membership at FYE/Borders)
7. clothes (I like second hand stores)
8. shoes (Payless clearance)
9. utilities (included in rent!)
10. basil! (LOVE it, so I grow my own!)
SPLURGE
1. eating out (if someone else is cooking, it might as well be good!!)
2. smoked salmon (just gotta have it sometimes!)
3. cook ware
4. small appliances
5. cooking utensils
6. beverages
7. specialty spices
8. PCMC fundraisers
9. Halloween
10. CHRISTMAS!!
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