I danced last night...

It was a dream. It was a beautiful, passionate, soul filled dream. I enter the stage, music flowing through me. Grande Jete en croix, glisse, pique, pique, pas de chat, pirouette. Gliding, soaring. I AM the music. I show the music to the world, with grace and heart-wrenching power. On I go, faster and faster, a whirling dervish, my toes and the stage becoming best friends.

And the music stops. I fall to the floor in the darkness, bewildered and lost. I am no longer the music. I am no longer the dance.

I woke up in tears.

And my toes hurt, and my calves were sore.

Life

It can be so complicated sometimes, can't it? Often the complications are brought on by our own stupidity. Sometimes, they are a result of things we have no control over, like diseases and illnesses. I have tried for years now to overcome my constant depression, mood swings, irritability, insecurities, feelings of inadequecy, abandonment...
I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist last year as having bilpolar II. Something about that just has never sat quite right with me. Much of the diagnosis made sense, but much did not. Now, I finally know why: it would appear I have something else, something related but more psychological and less physical. I am seeing another therapist soon, and I am pretty sure I will come back with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Having gone over all the diagnostic criterion, this fits me like a glove. The good news is, it's treatable with talk therapy, and it can be overcome. One less thing to take meds for! Hooray! *sigh* At least there is hope of getting rid of ONE of my many ailments. Right?

English Education

We live in America, but the language we speak is English. Well, ok, most of us speak it. I am tired of people not being able to get the most basic skills down. Here is a crash course in English, aimed towards errors I see on a daily basis. They make me want to scream! It's not that difficult, people!

their: belonging to them (It is their inability to pay attention that keeps people from learning this stuff.)

there: a place, a word to denote placement (There is a big dictionary right over there.)

they're: a contraction for "they are" (They're letting our children become ignorant.)

your: possessive form of you (Your laziness is driving me crazy.)

you're: a contraction for "you are" (You're the cause of much contention.)

its: belonging to it (Its color is true and intensely beautiful.)

it's: a contraction for "it is" (It's not the first time; won't be the last.)

allot: to divide or distribute; to appropriate for a special purpose (I am going to allot ten dollars to the diabetes research fund.)

a lot: many of something (There are a lot of times where people say "alot", which is incorrect.)

One does not go acrossed anything. I crossed the bridge, I went across the bridge, I did not go acrossed it because there is no such word.

Use of apostrophes: This is a big one. An apostrophe before an s is used to denote ownership. For example: Sarah's dog tried to bite my foot. The apostrophe comes AFTER the s if the s is part of the word already. The kids' room is always a mess. (More than one kid, plural, plus ownership.) An apostrophe is also a requirement when contracting a word with is or was. Sarah's always looking for a new pet. More proper ways of using an apostrophe: it'd (for it did, it would) we're (we are, we were) 'cause (short for because) '90 (for 1990).

Use of then and than: then is used for referring to time. (I liked it then.) Than is most used for comparison statements. (I like almonds more than peanuts.) Then let's go! I'd rather eat rocks than eat lead.

I will post more English lessons later as I am reminded of more common errors.

New Meds Suck!

I started my depakote and kidney med together. Bad idea; I have been having uber bad dizzy spells, blackouts, tunnel vision... and this morning I awoke to a VERY angry stomach that was letting me know its feelings in every way possible. I am going to stop the depakote for now, until I adjust to the kidney med, then add it in.
I'm going to go sing karaoke tonight! I'm excited, I love doing that. I'm so tired of not getting much of a chance to sing. So, I am working yet again on putting together a band. I have had a few replies so far. We'll see how it goes this time around. It's so hard to put together a solid band, and keeping them together is almost impossible!
If you haven't yet, check out the recipe below and try it out. I need feedback for my future cookbook.

Recipe of the Week

I am going to attempt to post a new recipe each week. These will be in the manuscript for my cookbook, so please test them and give me honest feedback. The premise of my cookbook will be teaching people who don't really cook to do it, do it well, and without everything being measured exactly. In other words, it will be Epic Noms for the Cooking Noob: Deliciousness Using the 5 Senses. So, without further ado, here it is:

Cheesey Stuffed Chicken Breasts

5-6 boneless, skinless large chicken breasts

1 12 oz container Ricotta cheese

6 strips bacon, cooked, chopped small (SAVE THE GREASE!)

Italian herbs (jar of them, won't use the whole jar, you'll see)

Granulate garlic

freshly ground sea salt and fresh ground pepper

1 medium green or red pepper

1 medium onion

Shredded provolone/mozarella cheese (comes in bags in the store)

Chop the pepper and onion into small pieces and throw in a large skillet with the bacon grease (no more than a couple tablespoons worth; if you don't have that much, use butter). Cook at medium, stirring occasionally, until they become golden and look soft. Use a slotted spoon to scoop them out of the pan. Turn heat off. As they cool, take the ricotta, bacon, and Italian seasoning and mix. I use between 2-3 tsps of the seasoning. Taste, add more or salt and pepper as you like. Add the veggies in. Turn your heat back on under your skillet. Take each breast and slice through the middle, but not all the way through. (Butterflied.) Stuff the breasts. Place in pan. Salt, pepper, and garlic the top of them. Cover and cook about 20 minutes. In the meanwhile, preheat the oven to 350'. When chicken has been cooking for 20, sprinkle generously with the shredded cheese. Place in oven for 10 minutes. Turn oven to broil and WATCH CAREFULLY. Remove as soon as the cheese starts to get bubbly and golden. ENJOY!!

My cocktail

I am currently on the following meds:
2 kinds of insulin (diabetes)
diclofenac (arthritis)
cyclobenzaprine (fibromyalgia)
lamictal (bipolar)

I am going on:
depakote (switching the bipolar med)
ACE inhibitor (kidney damage)
Actonel (early stage osteoporosis)

Eventually, when the blood sugar is under tight control, we will be adding Abilify (for the bipolar and fibromyalgia).

I am still exhausted, still in pain, still having mood swings. Someday, we'll get it down perfectly. Fun times.

Fathers

I have heard the expression, "Any man can be a father; it takes a real man to be a dad" more times than I can remember. I have found over the years that it is so very true. My husband is one of those cool men that is a daddy. My kids love him so much! They get so excited when he comes home from work. They are so happy when he plays with them. To this day, my favorite thing to hear is the sound of them laughing and squealing while they play with him. 8 years now he's been a daddy. From the moment Julia was born, he was in love. I remember when we were finally able to hold her, after a week and a half or so of her birth. He was holding her and just smiling. I asked for her back... and he looked at me with this almost fearful expression. He pulled her closer to him and said, "No! MY Julia time!" I also remember when he came home from basic training. Nathaniel was 7 weeks old when he left; he came home to a 5 month old, moving, grooving, laughing baby. That first night, about 1 in the morning, Nathaniel woke up. He NEVER woke up at night by then. He woke up though, and I went to get him. He and Randy were up for an hour and half, getting to know each other again and enjoying every minute. Randy is so good them. He is so gentle with Julia when she is undergoing more surgery or is so worn out from therapy, karate, school, whatever. He hates so much that she has to have a g-tube, but for nearly 5 years now, except for his deployment, he has been the one to hook up her feedings, stop them, check the machine, etc. Even at 4 in the morning, there he is, making sure she's getting what she needs and letting me sleep. I also love watching him with Nathaniel. Their favorite thing to do is play video games together, and it is awesome!
When I am old, and have dementia, and can't remember my own name, I hope I will remember Randy with the kids. Especially those first two memories I mentioned... they make my heart happy.





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